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Paychecks held hostage!
2002-05-24 - 6:12 p.m.So, I got a little punchy at work today, and it being payday, and also taking into account that half of our staff are not in the office today giving themselve a 4 day weekend... I give you this news flash I sent out to all of the employees that could not make it into beloved work today to give them a status report of where the paychecks are...
yes, it is 6:15pm and I am still at work on a Friday, grumble, going home shortly!
News Flash! Paychecks held hostage by postal support employee...
In a fit of rage, apparently brought on by an empty basement workplace and a sunny day, one University employee, Jennifer Thies, is holding all her absent co-workers' paychecks hostage in her cubicle. Sources say she has locked them in "a secure place" where no one else has access to them. She is defending her cubicle with the weapons available to her, apparently a pair of scissors, some projectile stuffed animals, and a slinky. She appears to be using rubber duckies to communicate with her co-conspirators.
One of her coworkers, who we caught out shopping, says she's not worried since she has direct deposit anyway. Ms. Thies's manager was reported to state that "I always knew Jen was on the edge, just never knew how close she was. I just hope she doesn't do anything rash. We're pretty sure the sprinkler system works down there." Her manager was then distracted by the outpouring of coins from the slot machine and the interview came to an abrupt halt. No other co-workers could be reached for comment as they were all out somewhere in the lovely weather, and unreachable.
Officials do not seem to be too worried. Someone from the HR department was overheard saying "let her keep them. We can stop those checks and issue new ones. Her co-workers will just have to wait three weeks for the re-issued checks to appear, and they will all hate her!" followed by maniacal laughter. We learned that there is a related investigation into satanic practices by the University's HR department resulting in lost information, and a general lack of customer service from HR. Officials think that come Tuesday, after a long relaxing weekend, Ms. Thies will be convinced to give up the paychecks to their owners without a struggle. Until then officers have surrounded the building and are waiting out the situation, hoping for a peaceful resolve.
Stay Tuned! This is reporter, Ima Bimbo, from College Park, MD.
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