Genevieve
	Waking	Sleeping	Sign	Repose	Wish
	The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam...

Leave a Comment

bugs and hugs
2002-05-08 - 4:03 p.m.

So, I was amused that the long boring post from yesterday yielded only spider related commentary. Personally I'm a fan of 90% of the bugs in the world. We had a spider in the corner of the kitchen when we moved in, I hear that's good luck. Bumble and honey bees are okay by me, dragon and butter flies are super neato too. I've even been fascinated by mosquitos having sex on my windshield before I realized that would help them make more mosquitos and I must disturb them with the wipers. So, aside from those icky camel crickets, cockroaches outside of the lab environment and any bug that is actually on me, bugs are okay in my book.

But enough about bugs.

Last night I did grocery shopping, paused at home to put them away, picked up Wen to go shopping and then meet the practice crew for dinner. Afterwards we head home and I start picking through stuff to pass off to a coworker for her to donate to her church. I've bagged up some old clothes of mine to donate, found a few small jackets that were made for Alan's 38" chest that no longer fits his 46" one. I also knew that there was a box of stuffed animals and some old clothes belonging to Alan's ex, so I figured I forage for them.

Well, we go through old coats and such, find some old garb to either donate or burn (torn between wanting it out of my house and not wanting to donate some of it to gold key since it will only encourage more bad garb, or it may encourage good garb if someone is forced to wear this old stuff for an event...) and sweet and tired Alan heads to bed since he gets up much earlier than I.

When it was all said and done I had one large trash bag, three smaller trash bags and two shopping bags full of clothes to hand off to said coworker. Most of it is Alan's Ex's old stuff she left with him lo those many years ago. 9, I think? Of course we didn't think of it when we were moving since we had a little Honduran man crawl around the attic packing all that untouched stuff up into boxes. There was a part of me that felt really odd picking through her old stuff. First of all it was really old, and in my opinion much of it was tasteless (but I'll try not to look at the stuff I wore then.) and it was also notably much smaller than I am. Let's just say she was a S/M and I'm a L/XL kinda girl. Each mystery box I opened, I found more and more of her stuff, including the stuffed animals. So I bagged it all up fairly neatly to donate to a church to let it do some good.

But in the process of me helping her old stuff do some good, it did me some good too. Now I have to preface that I have never ever met her. I've only recently seen pictures of her that show her features as opposed to old dark fuzzy SCA pictures. And I went through a full range of emotions while going through her stuff. First I was curious, to get a small glimpse into the person she was, and then I realized why she didn't care that she left this stuff behind. Then I went through an indignant phase. First there was the, why did she have to leave this burden of leaving her old stuff behind. How rude! Then there was the, Dammit, why the hell am I going through her stuff, why didn't Alan do it years ago to get rid of it. It could have been very theraputic for him to get it all out. But then I settled on that he went through so much pain and hurt when their relationship ended. Nevermind that everyone is better off now, at the time, and still looking back a bit, it's gotta hurt. So, if my little act, my one evening of going through her stuff and getting it out of the house, to help clear the air and finalize everything and spare him tripping down that painful memory lane, if I can do this one small thing for him, after everything he has done for me... it's the least I can do.

So, while doing a good thing for the recipients of the goods, and doing a good thing for Alan, I did a good thing for myself, for my soul. I also stumbled onto a box of old photos that couldn't help but go through. I saw an younger Alan. Him and his blushing bride, at the time. Him in uniform, him in the SCA of long ago, him with no shoulders and less confidence. And I looked back and was glad I have the Alan now, the Alan who has learned, the Alan who has conquered, the Alan who loves me.

Our pasts truly make us what we are. The past trials and tribulations. The past loves and losses. It is overcoming the bad that we grow stronger and learn. It is with the love in our lives that we soar. The Alan now would not be the same had he not gone through the breakup with his Ex. I would not be the same if I hadn't experienced the things I have with the people I have. I had to learn from my highschool boyfriend that unintentionally lying to someone is bad, but lying to yourself is worse. I've learned that there has to be a balance between friendship and passion, but both are truly necessary. But then there is the stuff we have learned together that is even more fun since it is easier to reminesce about the past when you share that past, present and future together as well.

Wow, sorry for the tiny bit of introspection, hope no one has actually read this far and I'd apologize for boring you, but hey, you chose to read. :) The whole point of this inane rambling is that I'm really glad I'm in love with Alan, I'm so happy to be marrying him soon, I'm thrilled to have found him now, and that he is in my life and has been for the past 5 years and will be forever more.

Well, on that note! Quiz results!

Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Which Sluggy Freelance Character Are You?

Who's Your Inner Buffy Bad-Girl?

<< - >>

---

www.flickr.com