Genevieve
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	The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam...

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OCD breakdown
2002-05-10 - 5:16 p.m.

I stumbled upon Gwenllian's latest entry about OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She essentially listed her behaviors that fall in line with OCD, broken down by category. Very interesting. And I mean that in a fascinating way, not sad kind of way. So, I decided to list my minor compulsive behaviors:

Checking

When I can, I am constantly checking what time it is. Sometimes I'll ask three of four times in the space of a minute, just to know. I often notice myself catching a clock displaying 9:11 or 11:22. Don't know why. I quit wearing a watch so I'd check less often. I'm constantly checking email too, when in front of a machine, even when the trusty letter icon has not appeared.

Requesting Reassurance

Thanks to the dictionary nearby, I check the spelling of stuff, even if I know how to spell it. I constantly need reassurance that I'm fun, cute, smart, whatever. If I get left out and not invited to one small thing, even if I didn't want to be invited, I start to doubt based on nothing but insecurities.

Ordering

I order the money in my wallet. It must be ones, fives, tens, and twenties, all facing the same way, all flattened. The feast gear goes in the feast box a certain way. The laundry has to be done in a certain way, and folded a certain way. I straighten unimportant stuff; from shelves in the grocery store and pharmacy, to the ice cream in the cafeteria, to the pleats in someone's tunic. My lopsided braids on Saturday at Crown bugged the shit out of me. I took them down when the tourney was over. Ironically, I can leave a pile of folded laundry in a pile not put in drawers for months on end. I can also leave huge piles of paper lying around as well.

Hoarding

This to me defies explanation. I packed up 13 large boxes of fabric to storage. I have my phone bill stubs from when I was in the dorm in college. I have a box of my own stuffed animals that I haven't opened in 3 years. I have clothes that won't fit me and look terrible on me that I can't get rid of. When I do do a cleaning out/purging it has to be all at once or nothing. I can't have a little bag of old clothes to donate each six months, I keep clothes for 2 years and then get rid of five bags. I have my mother's daisy and avocado green plates even though 90% of the world thinks they are hideous, I can't get rid of them. The list goes on and on. I moved an entire DELL box of shoes, most I haven't worn in years...

Repeating

For the things I truly care about, I will redo often. I often retake online tests to make sure the answers are consistent. I will redo a sleeve five times to get it right. I will edit and edit sometimes to the point of seeing too much. And then sometimes I don't care at all about quality, as long as it is done.

Counting

I count stairs. All the time, I can't stop. The Parking garage has 9 stairs for each half floor. It never changes, I always count. The side staircase in the building I work has 13 stairs for each half floor. I count to 30 when on cardio machines, and then start back over. Numbers are constantly running thru my mind. I never took a stats course and stopped Math in College after my freshman year.

Repeating of Prayers

Well, I dunno about the prayers part, but I do repeat the same wish over and over again with each eyelash or blowing out of the candles. I also repeat "Youhaveyourownlane! youhaveyourownlane!" when merging and there is another lane and no need to merge, like exit 118C on I-81 heading towards Blacksburg/Christiansburg.

Ruminations

I constantly go over past and anticipated conversations in my head. Sometimes I have to make lists before going to bed or I will run them thru in my mind too. Often I force myself to listen to my breathing to shut up my brain.

Hyper-Correction

I think the straightening of pharmacy shelves plays a part here too. I also have to remind myself that not everyone wants to know if something is misspelled. Heck, it drives me crazy if I misspell something on my own diary. It is often an act of will to see a misspelling and leave it there in defiance of the part of me that wants to change stuff. Also constantly adjusting/correcting the lay of clothes, pleats, crumbs on other people, etc.

Physical Compulsions (other)

Sometimes I put the straightening of shelves under here too. I don't tend to jiggle my leg or anything like that too much (I type as I'm shaking my leg), but I do tend to make others stop shaking their legs if it affects me. I am constantly switching tucking one leg up under me here at my desk. I pick dirt out of my fingernails, must have them clipped to the bone for wars or the dirt drives me crazy. It makes me crazy to go a day without washing my hair. Luckily I never got to the constantly washing hands stage of OCD.

Luckily, I don't seem to be OCD to the point of causing a huge disturbance in my life, at least as long as those who love me put up with me. I also find it very amusing that I can be so compulsive about say the order of the shirts hanging in the closet, but not care if they sit folded for two months before being put away. Well, that's enough of the horse, as we say in my family...

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On another note, my dress has not arrived yet to David's Bridal. When I ordered it, they said 12 weeks, maybe less, but don't count on it. Twelve weeks was April 19th. I waited. I called on April 18th and they said May 9th. I bitched out the person on the phone, and then I waited. No call at all yesterday. Grr... I called today, May 10th, it still hasn't come in, but the lady who normally checks things in is out sick today, so there are some boxes she'll go through on monday. Snarl. Person on the other end of the line is slow and obviously does not harbor English as her first language, so I hold off on yelling at her knowing the futility of such labor. I will call on Monday, and if it isn't in, I will pitch a major fit, yell and scream and demand a discount or free alterations or something. This is not okay. Like ladies planning their weddings don't have enough to worry about without their dress not coming in when it was supposed to. snarl... I can feel the anger swelling slowly... It'll be okay... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...

Onto happier news. I sent a note to my sister saying that I missed my girls, my nieces, since I hadn't seen them since Sept. Clint, godblesshim, sent me pictures. So, now I will inflict them on you. Come on, they are cute girls, humor me...

Trinity and Bethany on couch


Trinity's Daycare "school" picture, isn't she cute!?!

Went and saw Spidey with Theo last night. I hadn't seen it so she blissfully took over the job of "Shushing" the girls in the row in front of us several times during the movie. How Rude! Dude, I can understand talking during the previews and credits and screaming and laughing along with the movie, but don't talk all giggly during one of Peter's monologues about the death of his Uncle. Sheesh. No respect. Still, a great movie on the whole. Now I gotta take Alan to go see it. Maybe Sunday, or Sat. night. Go Spidey! I'm not a big comic book fan, I know many of you hiss with reproach, get over it, I never got into it, but I love movies based on comic books. This one did not let me down. The acting was great, the special effects were faboo (that's the technical term), and aside from the annoying chicks in the front row, I could feel it. I have to say that the nit-picky part of me loved the fact that they bothered to make MJ's eyebrows match her hair since she's a natural blonde. It's the little things that make a difference. Didn't hurt that Spiderman has a nice butt either.

I should really wrap this up, so... For those of you coming to the wedding, who need further info, feel free to check out our wedding webpage on theknot.com. It takes a long time to load, but has all the info you could possibly need and more. I have faith that everything will come together by then. I know it will. Good damn thing I don't autocrat. :)

Goodnight Nurse!

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