Genevieve
	Waking	Sleeping	Sign	Repose	Wish
	The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam...

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I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again...
2001-06-06 - 8:22 p.m.

So, I had a very odd evening before coming home tonight from work. It wasn't particularly outrageous or shocking, just odd. So, I finally take the time to catch up on reading folks diaries that I haven't had the chance to read since last Thursday. I am a very empathetic person, when someone I care about is in pain, so am I, even if I don't actually feel it, I do feel it keenly. Now, I don't remember the happy things I read, only the sorrow. I read about those friends I hold dear who are in pain, indirectly caused pain, sick, divorcing, thinking about past divorces and panicing and in general all wishing they were stronger than they are. Now despite that it is the ability of humans to overcome these weaknesses that make us truely strong, i left work in a general funk.

So, I hop in the truck, and head off to the chiropractor, and there is no good music on the radio. So I switch to CD, but Alien Fashion Show is not particularly perking me up either, so I switch to BNL-Stunt. Now that is a CD to perk you up. While all the lyrics aren't completely happy, they are mostly upbeat and make you feel like the world is crazy, not just you, so it's okay. Ah, the healing powers of music. So, I'm listening to the CD and singing along trying to perk up and for no particular reason I start to choke up and almost cry. You know how you can feel the tears well up in your eyes so that none fall but the road blurs ever so slightly until you blink them back, and a cry or sob escapes your lips, before you control yourself to choke it back and try to reason why all of a sudden while listening and singing to music and driving on the road to the chiropractor you are shaken for no reason... So that's what happened, and I then controlled it, puzzled, sang some more and then it happened again. I didn't count the times, but it was several while on the road to get adjusted.

Then finally I realized, and figured out mostly what the hell was wrong with me this time. Bare Naked Ladies is great music and the person I associate this music with is our dear Byrum, why? Because in my mind he found them first. So, why was Byrum making me cry you ask? He wasn't. It was that I was associating bdeb with singing, hence I was singing to the music and it snowballs from there..

if you don't follow, really it is okay...

I'm not quite sure I follow either..

and my friends joke with me about Gen-logic being it's own special breed of logic...

if you could call it that...

So, follow me, singing to BNL was associated with BdeB, which was associated with singing at like bardic circles, etc. which I haven't done in a long time so I remember those few times when I did go, and maybe even participated, and that would involve me singing which I haven't done, I mean really done in a long time.

I used to sing, I mean really belt out at some bardic circles with others. There was even a time when I would sing unaccompanied, which as Cesca knows is darn exhilarating. So, then I associated unabashed singing with youth and fun. I'm trying to remember when I had fun like that last...

I remember Bera and Genie and I singing at a very small BD event held in a VFW hall in Floyd, singing anything, Bawdy Balladiers, or songs from the Fair Lady Atlantia tape, or anything we all knew. Genie has a very lovely voice for those that don't know... Maybe Byram and Niall will finally learn the impact they had on our young SCA world, maybe they already know, maybe they assume since they had that same impact on many thanks to that one tape..

I also remember a firepit at Sorcha and Andrew/then Ciarin's SCA wedding out at Ross and Shrew's property, singing around the firepit, Sorcha bellydancing, all of us having a great time! And I think back longingly...

I used to sing for fun, usually with a little alcohol influence in my underage system, but sing, loud, hard, with my whole heart.

Now, i'm afriad to sing anywhere but my own car... when I'm alone. Maybe my voice was never good and no one had the heart to tell me... maybe it just didn't matter... maybe I was good once, powerful, with gusto, but since I'm out of practice I suck... maybe I just lost heart... I used to sing to Phantom and Les Mis and Tori in my room, apartment, anytime I felt like it. Now unaccompanied, I won't attempt it...

But what's even just a little more sad is that this is really symptomatic of something more. I've spent so much time in obligation and doing what needed to be done, and what should be done and what was required or expected that I forgot to take time to do what was fun... this can be sewing for fun, why my queue is so long, and yet I want to try something new, but I won't dare go back on a promise... Or trying so hard to do what is right and proper and helpful, instead of doing stuff for the pure joy of it...

I'm having the inner struggle of doing something that would be fun, or doing something that is right, and both parts are pulling equally. And I know they don't have to be mutally exclusive, but right now it seems like they are, and the struggle doesn't seem necessarily worth it. Why fight?

maybe in the end it doesn't make sense to me either...

but I did finally have some comfort in that I at least knew there was a reason to my uncontrolled behavior previously and I was a little content, and then I pull into my driveway at home and the skull antennae topper is gone. :( geez... maybe one of my coworkers is playing a practical joke, maybe someone found it offensive, maybe it was stolen in the garage or parking lot or something, but now I'm just bummed. Sometimes the world is great, and sometimes it just sucks...

I hope all those in pain, fell better. All those who wish for more strength find it. All those who are uneasy find peace... and I will have one more glass of wine and feel better tomorrow, I promise... maybe I just need to explode and then I'll feel better? nah, I'll take the wine...

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